In the 2000’s I, Steven Seagal, Tibetan Lama, blues musician, and personal friend of Vladimir Putin, proposed a re-cut of the movie Ong-Bak. There would be two scenes in which I trained the protagonist. The movie producers foolishly denied my requests.

Throughout Steven Seagal's life as a movie star, I would get close to greatness, yet it would always dash away. When producers refused my request to re-cut the movie to show I was the real genius behind it all, I want to share with you, my fans what could have been, they listened to me.

Number Five Into the Dragon

True, this movie was made well before my career started, yet you don't hear about Bruce Lee anymore. Everybody's heard of Steven Seagal. I said, what they should do is re-cut it and have me be the guy who wins. They should have Bruce Lee fall down and then cut to me winning the fight. The producers and Bruce Lee's daughter were astonished that I would even suggest it. I have of course tried to show them my skills with the blues guitar but those fools rejected me, Steven Seagal.

Number four Batman

I pitched a simple change to the producers of Batman.  Have me play a second even more badass Batman. who sits in a very comfortable chair and slaps the villains? The first Batman goes, "Wow, I bet you were special forces. You should be in charge."

Number Three March of the Penguins

You didn't think Steven Seagal would care about animals, but boy you would be wrong. Steven Seagal fucking loves PETA and loves animals. I had this idea when the March of the Penguins movie came out. They should have a scene with me fighting evil secret agents who try to hurt the penguins. It could show me sitting in a comfortable chair, then the secret agents come in. I slap them while sitting in my comfortable chair. The chair of course is thick in padding. It's also a recliner and I'm comfortable in it.

Number two Sense and Sensibly  

I bet you didn't know that Steven Seagal had a sensitive side. Steven Seagal is a warrior poet! He will speak the deep truth, like how I mastered the blues with Me Want The Punani. Of course, we should add a few fight scenes. Steven Seagal can lead a romantic movie. Yet Steven Seagal is never given the opportunity. Because the haters are jealous of Steven Seagal.

Number one, Walk the Line.

There should be scenes where Steven Seagal meets Johnny Cash and teaches him how to play guitar and sing. Then Steven Seagal would sing his songs and Johnny Cash would drift in the background. Then I'll teach him aikido but he won't be as good as me. Hollywood is too concerned with political correctness to enact my great ideas. It's why movies are so bad now. They're not giving me, Steven Seagal, a blank check to do whatever he wants to do.